Parents often say:
“My child seems fine at home — so why are they struggling so much at school?”
This is a common concern for families and one of the most frequent reasons parents seek counselling for children. A child may appear calm, settled, or emotionally regulated at home, yet experience anxiety, meltdowns, or school refusal in the classroom.
Understanding why children struggle at school ,even when they seem fine elsewhere ,can help parents respond with clarity and compassion.
School places unique demands on children
School environments place multiple demands on a child’s emotional regulation and coping skills, including:
- Noise, crowds, and sensory input
- Academic pressure and fear of mistakes
- Social expectations and peer relationships
- Transitions and time constraints
For many children, particularly those experiencing school anxiety, these demands can be overwhelming. At home, stressors are reduced, routines are familiar, and emotional support is more readily available.
Masking: why children hold it together at school
Some children cope at school by masking, consciously or unconsciously suppressing distress to meet expectations.
Masking in children may look like:
- Being compliant or quiet
- Avoiding asking for help
- Holding emotions in during the school day
When children return home, their safest environment, the emotional effort of masking often releases. This can appear as emotional outbursts, shutdowns, or exhaustion. This is not bad behaviour; it is a sign of emotional overload.
School anxiety and emotional regulation.
Children don’t always express anxiety verbally. Instead, child anxiety symptoms often show up as:
- Physical complaints (stomach aches, headaches)
- Sleep difficulties before school days
- Avoidance or refusal to attend school
- Increased emotional reactions after school
At home, where children feel safer and less judged, emotional regulation becomes easier.
Neurodiversity and hidden school stress.
Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, sensory sensitivities, or learning differences — may appear to cope well but expend enormous effort doing so.
School stressors for neurodivergent children can include:
- Sensory overload
- Executive functioning demands
- Social communication challenges
This explains why a child may be “fine” at home but deeply dysregulated at school.
What this means for parents.
If your child is struggling at school but seems okay at home:
- You are not failing as a parent
- Your child is not being difficult on purpose
- Their behaviour is communication, not defiance
Parental support focused on understanding and regulation — rather than pressure — is key.
How counselling supports children and families.
Counselling for children and parents can help by:
- Supporting emotional regulation and anxiety management
- Building coping strategies for school-related stress
- Helping parents stay regulated and confident
- Working alongside schools to reduce stressors
- Identifying underlying anxiety, perfectionism, or neurodivergence
Early, preventative support improves long-term emotional wellbeing and school engagement.
Final thoughts.
Children who struggle at school but appear fine at home are often doing their best in environments that feel very different to them.
With the right support, including parental understanding, school adjustments, and counselling, children can feel safer, more confident, and more able to engage with learning.
If this sounds familiar, support is available, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.